Community and carrying each other’s burdens, PART 2

Part 2: How do we carry each others burdens in a healthy way, especially when that burden includes mental health issues?

Every person on earth has problems, that's just a part of living in this post-Fall world. Life isn't easy, and we all carry a heavy load. The thing is, God created community so that we don't have to carry those burdens alone, and so that we can help each other through those hard things. In fact, we are even called to help each other and to“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." (Galatians 6:2, NIV) Helping

each other through things can be a way of showing love for each other and of being community for one another, as we talked about in the last article.

Since the fall, every human has had problems because we live in a fallen world and because of human depravity, and most teenagers have problems with a big something called mental health. as Christian friends, we want to help each their and love each other and… carry each others burdens, but that isn’t always easy, and can go south really fast if not done in the right, HEALTHY, way. If you’re like me, you may want to help all of your friends, and get them to talk about what’s going on, and that is not wrong, or bad, but I am not a therapist or licensed professional. Personally, I have tried to carry other’s burdens or at least shoulder part of that burden and make it just a tad lighter in an unhealthy way, which has made me spiral down into dark places myself. I’ve also seen friendships around me crash and burn because someone was trying to help someone else and that person did it in an unhealthy way, leaving both people in a bad spot. None of us TCKs are certified, licensed professionals that can help when things get past a certain point.

So, what’s the balance? How can we deal with this, how can we carry each other’s burdens in a healthy way?

All that I am going to say in this article can pretty much be summed up in one word: BOUNDARIES

Every friendship has to have good boundaries so that the relationship can be and also stay healthy. Overbearing friendships that intrude on your relationship with God, your relationships with others in certain ways, or that have a huge impact on your mental and/or physical health in a negative way are NOT healthy. Don‘t get me wrong, I am not saying that sometimes you don’t have to sacrifice some of those things in some way, but there does need to be a limit. You are not God, and cannot sustain someone else or give them all that they need. That is something only God, the perfect friend, can do!

Sacrifice is one of the main characteristics of Christian friendships. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, in his book Life Together: The Classic exploration of Christians in Community, says: "The brother is a burden to the Christian, precisely because he is a Christian. For the pagan the other person never becomes a burden at all. He simply sidesteps every burden that others may impose upon him. Jesus himself says that the greatest display of love is to lay one's life down for their friends. But, if you yourself are not doing well and the other person is looking solely to you for help, sometimes it can be way too much and even become toxic. you can't help someone through let's say depression or struggles with anxiety when you yourself are depressed... When it gets past a certain point, it's really unhealthy.That does not mean that we are not called to sacrifice and that sometimes that will ot have any impact on our other relationships. For example, maybe sometimes a friend might need more attention and love and TLC for a season, so you may have to pull things back with some friends in order to give them what you need to give them and what is healthy for you to give the other person. (You are still not a professional counselor and sometimes, you can't give a friend everything they are asking from you, and that is OK.)

Even Jesus went off and spent time by himself to pray and think and just be alone with His Father. You need that time sometimes too, and time to relax, and do the things that remind you why you love life so much. What are those things? Make a list or write them down somewhere!

It's ok to take that time and incorporate time for those things into your schedule. aAe you an introvert like me? If so, and if you are anything like me, sometimes you may just need to take a step back, breathe and get a few hours of alone time without any intrusions from others. Or, you may want to spend some time with people who aren't struggling right now, because it's so easy to be tugged into a bad place yourself and feel like everyone in the world is sad or struggling. Sometimes you just need time with a happy friend, and that's ok!

Setting boundaries is knowing yourself and your limits, so that you can set limits to a friendship. For me, I love to be there for people and try and help them through things, but sometimes I just have to take a step back and mute my conversation with someone, so I can go check when I feel ready but I don’t have to deal with all of the pressure and stress from getting notifications from that person. Remember, you can always choose what notifications you get or who you text, and can choose to turn notifications off from a certain person or not start a conversation with that person. They won’t know that you muted the notifications, so it isn’t hurtful, but it is healthy sometimes.

I cannot stress how much boundaries of your time and person are- if you are a mess because of someone telling you all their problems and decide to just push through it and gradually start to go downhill yourself, then you’re not going to help anyone, and it will probably leave things worse than before- for both of you.

Sit down and ask yourself, what do I not need from this friendship right now? What does the other person need? How can we help each other in a healthy way? What can i not deal with... or more what should I not deal with?

Sometimes, you just have to take a ton of steps back and go do something you love and that reminds you that the world is a beautiful place before you go back to trying to help someone. Other times, you may just need a break, or a hiatus. If you do, try to think and pray through what you are going to say and do extensively before you make a decision, say or do something. Friendship is a very powerful thing, and it can have the power to make amazing things happen and be a really amazing, life-changing, thing, or it can also go the other way and be an extremely destructive thing. That’s why putting safeguards from the beginning against a toxic relationship are important, or having conversations about the friendship if it gets too overwhelming. Just be careful, and pray through what you say before you say it, because wording is very important- you don’t want to hurt that person. Words hurt, a lot, so I think it’s always important to make sure like the other person doesn’t feel like you are blaming them or if you need to call them out on something, wording it a certain way makes it better, less hurtful, and more productive.

One thing that is also super important is making sure that you are still getting enough sleep. Without you will not be able to be alert enough to be there for them or just be yourself either, and you depriving yourself of sleep isn’t going to help anyone in the end (most of the time). I say this but I( think this is more important when you are walking along with someone and you know there isn't a short term solution but i's going to be a long-term issue. Remember, no matter what happens : 1. God is in control, 2. You cannot make the person change and it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Let me just add something about conversations directly pertaining to mental health. Those types of conversations are super important but if someone is going to hurt themselves or others, you need to let an adult know as soon as possible, even if your friend doesn’t want you to talk to an adult about it. As minors, we should let someone know if if goes past a certain point. when that point is is up to you to decide, and something to talk about with your friend, but most importantly pray about it. If they are willing, maybe even go with them if that would help to talk to a trusted adult about what is going on. You, or I, cannot help someone who is having problems after they reach a certain point. All we can do is check in on them and be there for them, as well as just listen. Sometimes, though, we can't listen because it is triggering or not healthy for them to dump it on us, but we can connect them with someone who can listen and help the person so much more than we can instead. Galatians 6:2 calls us to carry each other's burdens, as Paul says “Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”; but we need to pay attention to ourselves as we try to carry others' burdens (to a point). We can draw the strength that we need from Christ, who can be our “rock”, our “refuge” and our “stronghold”. Sacrifice is beautiful when it is done in a healthy way!

I hope that you enjoyed this article, even if it was PRETTY long ! sorry about that guys :)

This is something that God has really put on my heart over the years and I am very passionate about. This is what I've learned through a lot of trial and error, even though I have so much more to learn! I don't pretend to be an expert, but I hope that this helped at least a little bit. :) I feel like this is something that affects pretty much everyone in this day and age, but we don't really talk about how to help most of the time.

God bless,

- Rose