Hating Home

In a recent conversation with a fellow TCK, I was struck by her determined repulsion from living in the US. She had recently graduated high school, and I asked her about her future plans, specifically where they’ll take place. “Anywhere but the US,” she replied. I was surprised at first, given that many of the Romanians where I used to work would continually daydream of living in the US. Then, it struck me that my plan seems similar to hers. Why do we both want anything but “home,” especially when that means living in one of the most prosperous countries in the world?

It seems strange that after years of American international schools and American media, us American teenagers living overseas can become so resistant to our return. After a lifetime of being different, would it not be refreshing to fit in for once? 

I think this is the heart of the aversion: fitting in. I believe that for myself, and for many other Americans, fitting in is impossible overseas, and we’ve made peace with that. We can distinguish ourselves as foreigners: we know we’re not meant to fit in. We can excuse ourselves for our cultural blunders as Americans. “Sorry, I’m not familiar with that custom, I’m American.” 

In fact, this distinction gives us a kind of status. Once we accept that we aren’t from here, we can focus on learning from others rather than having to pretend we already know everything. Particularly with the popularity of the term “TCK” continually affirming this truth about ourselves, it feels good to be the observer, the foreigner, the exotic one.

Both of these benefits, both the lower expectation culturally and the elevated status as a foreigner, fade upon re-entry to the United States. For sure, our upbringing will likely still be different from our fellow Americans, but our excuse can no longer be “I’m American” because everybody else is too. And along with the loss of that excuse comes a loss of status. We can’t be the cool Americans in the room anymore.

Of course, there are challenges to being a TCK, and the two benefits I outlined don’t apply to every situation. On the other hand, if you find yourself in the same boat as me, or the friend of mine who sparked this whole train of thought, ask yourself why you feel that way. There’s nothing wrong with remaining overseas, but it’s important to be honest with yourself about what’s keeping you away. Are you afraid you won’t fit in? Does losing your exotic status scare you?

I’m in my senior year of high school, so this directly affects me. I’ve always been in the never-USA camp, but I’ve decided to still apply for some colleges there. It would stretch me way outside of my comfort zone, but maybe I’ll find something for me in the land of opportunity after all. My exotic status as an American shouldn’t be my identity, so at least I’ll learn that lesson.