In my last post (see here), my interviewee briefly mentioned the struggle of finding a balance between long and short-distance relationships. Today, I want to elaborate on that.
Let me explain: as a TCK, almost all of us have to find the balance between being present where we are as well as keeping up with and being there for people in other places, like our home country. It’s a balancing act that all TCKs learn to kind of, sort of, decently master. Both sets of relationships are important, so how do we balance them?
That is a question that has been on my mind a lot over the years and bugged me, especially for the first couple of years. It caused some extra stress in my life because I didn’t know how.
I have a few tips for you if you are in the same spot that I was.
1. Prioritizing in-person relationships.
Prioritizing in-person relationships doesn’t necessarily mean the people that you live close to and have regular face-to-face interaction with have to be your closest friends. Nor do they have to be closer friends than the ones in your home country and the ones that you have long-distance relationships with. Having face-to-face interaction regularly is still super important and extremely beneficial. In fact, studies have shown that having limited face-to-face interaction nearly doubles a person’s risk of being depressed. For example, you could schedule calls during your free time, being careful to work around the time that you spend with friends. There is time for both groups of friends. For me, I usually scheduled calls on Sunday afternoons. I typically do not do anything with friends on Sundays and spend it resting, since I have church in the morning. Saturday and Friday nights are usually the times that I hang out with friends. However,for different people it looks very different, this is just my view on it. I use some Saturdays to talk to friends in the States too, but I make sure that I don’t have anything planned. We were made for face-to-face interaction and community; relying entirely on screen-to-screen interaction isn’t healthy.
2. Not texting when you are with friends
For me, this goes both ways. When I am on a call or hanging out with a friend in person, I have made it a rule for myself to not text. iPhones have this cool feature called “Focus” that enables you to only receive notifications from certain apps or people when you activate them. You can also turn a setting on where people can see that you have notifications turned off. If they text you, it gives them an option to send the notification anyways, if it’s urgent. I usually need to have my phone and notifications with me and on so that my parents can reach me, so I block the notifications from everyone except them. If I don’t do this, then I feel like if I get the notifications, I will be tempted to read them if not respond. Looking at or checking my phone takes away from conversation and quality time with my friends. The same goes for when I am on a call. Even if you are good at acting like you aren’t looking at the latest notification that you got, it’s distracting, and the other person will probably notice. Most of the time, the other person can wait for you to respond. I know that if I am hanging out with someone, and they check their phone, whether it be on a call or inperson, it kind of hurts; can make me feel like I am boring them; or that they don’t want to hear about me. Therefore, it makes unnecessary walls go up and hinders good, honest conversation. Technology is good, but we should be its master and not let it take us away from being present when we are spending time with someone in person.
3. “Stop and smell the roses where you are.”
The other day, I was talking to a TCK friend about balancing relationships, and she said: “Sometimes, you just have to take a break, and stop and smell the roses where you are if you are missing another place too much.” I thought that that was really good advice and definitely true. I know that sometimes it’s extremely hard to be away from your home country or even move away from somewhere you have lived a while. Talking to friends there might make it worse, making you feel even more sad, lethargic, and depressed. In that case,
sometimes it’s a good idea to just take a break. Maybe just try to concentrate on theplace where you are until you see the good things in living where you live. Maybe this isn't always the solution, but it is a good solution in certain cases. It also might not look like completely cutting off communication with those people but just cutting back on it for a while. Other times, you might just have to stick it out and not cut back on time texting or calling the person/people, but still try to smell the roses where you are. There are a lot of cool things where you are too, and you probably have friends and people that love you around you. Those relationships are important too and need to be nurtured. Sometimes, I feel like I focus on long-distance relationships because I don’t want to lose touch or my connection with those people. A strong friendship isn’t always being together but instead lasting through being apart. It is also being able to take a break without things changing or losing your friendship.
I can’t tell you that I am perfect, or that I am amazing at balancing these two things, or even that doing these three things is going to help you automatically have a perfect balance. I think what balance looks like changes during different seasons of life and is something that you constantly must reevaluate. It’s also seeing if the way that you have been balancing things is healthy as well as if you are prioritizing the right things. Learning the “balancing act” of living in a different place and all the while keeping in touch with people in other places, takes time and is a constant learning process and struggle that we all have to deal with. That being said, I still hope that these tips have helped!
Do you have any tips on how to balance short and long-distance relationships? Feel free to shoot us an email at tcktimes@gmail.com or leave a comment below if you do!! We love hearing from you! Keep a look out for The Balancing Act: Part 2, on balancing relationships with locals and fellow TCKs/expats, which should come out in the next couple of weeks.
God bless,
-Rose-
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